Moving is such an interesting event in one’s life. And transitioning is even more of a phenomenon when looked at retrospectively. By deciding to move off the island of Guam, and Not having major funding to do so, I am in the process of jettisoning most of my possessions, and deciding what to keep, what to take, what to pack, etc. Sorting, tossing, deciding… oh, those decisions! So many of them and seemingly all at once. Do I really need this? Am I ever going to read this book/magazine/notes again? Do I like wearing this? Would someone else benefit from this? Do I sell these and if so, how much should I charge?
Upon moving one box today, I found a couple notebooks that I had been looking for and was delightedly surprised that they were unearthed. I remembered carrying them and writing thoughts, plans, ideas, notes in them. It was like finding old friends and being rejoined for an afternoon tea, of sorts. Journals of daily life at a time when I began the transitions – yes, there has been more than one- and it is a chronicle of where I have been and how I have changed. In some ways more than a little, yet there are some words that could have been written today. Such is the consistency of our beings, our true natures.
It began with leaving the United States for a position as an ESL (English as a Second Language) in South Korea. No, I didn’t know anything about the country, the language, the customs, or the landscape. I did know that I had a job that I hated, a life that wasn’t fun and generally was miserable. So off to Barnes and Nobel I went to buy a travel and language book about the country that I thought was only going to be for one year. I took a notebook with me and began to record my thoughts, impressions, desires and observations. Sadly, I was not as diligent then as I am now about writing.
Later, when I had tiem I began to peruse them and reread my words from long ago. I found peoples names and emails, even phone numbers (long since discarded, I’m sure), whom I had run into and exchanged pleasantries or was in an ‘orientation’ class upon arriving at the regional training for foreign teachers. Some of these people I remember, and some of the notes, I can remember where I was and recreate the energy of the moment when I wrote them. Interesting how our minds work!
I had begun to study a phenomenon about shifing paradigms and delved into it with a hunger that kept me wanting more. There were things about me that I began to notice with startling revelation. Words came back to me that were said many years before and some that were not so distant in the past. Rereading the notebooks made be think about who I WAS and who I have become. How truly intriguing to see what has taken place and now … I am remembering comments different people have said to me in the past about ‘how brave I was’ or that I was funny, or worse how negative I was, yet at the same time being told that I was a good listener and always willing to help out another who was in need or hurting.
When hearing those comments, I would think “I’m not brave – I just did what I had to do to survive”. Actually, I was afraid! And I didn’t realize how deep that fear was until I chose to join a running club in Seoul (a city of 11 million people and a subway system that was, at the time only a maze of colored lines representing a map). These folks followed little marks and ran through the town, jumped on and off the subway, ran up mountains, climbed over walls or trees, and then managed to straggle down and back to the safe place. It was on one of those mountains, when a friend said come over here and take this picture with me, that I shook my head because my heart was shaking with fear. I was lost and had no idea how to get back, and I might fall off the mountain, at least that was my thought at the time!
I did get back safely, and on the same day, too!